Anna Wintour eaten by her sunglasses

The fashion industry is in shock and mourning today, as the famed editor of Vogue magazine and fashion icon Anna Wintour is dead. In a stunning turn of events, it appears the sunglass wearing 68-year-old Wintour was swallowed whole and eaten by her own signature Chanel sunglasses.

Ms. Wintour had been attending a gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York city when she disappeared. Police on the scene say that they discovered her trademark sunglasses on the floor with a noticeable body protruding within them.

Next to the sunglasses were a pair of Manolo Blahnik Ms. Wintour had been seen wearing at the time. The Chanels were attempting to finish off the shoes, when Police fired six shots stopping the glasses in their tracks. “Those shoes are really expensive, and we just did our job,” stated Police Officer Ken Boyle.

Friends are in shock, some visibly shaking. “She was at the party enjoying herself and nothing really seemed wrong” Debra Wheaton, a close-friend recalls. “She had taken off her sunglasses several times, but when the party moved indoors, she put them back on. At one point, she excused herself, and that was the last any of us saw of her.”

Ms. Wheaton then broke down and fainted. There were no witnesses to the grisly murder, but Herpetologist, Thaddeus Newton, who specializes in snakes and reptiles, described how a person might be eaten like that. “Ms. Wintour was probably swallowed head first, as that’s where the glasses were. They probably paralyzed or stung her. Once Ms. Wintour was immobile, the glasses then slowly devoured her. The whole thing probably took 4-6 hours. 

My guess is that it was excruciatingly painful as the stun portion wore off, and really, really slow. I’m sure no one could hear the screams through the Chanel frame, that’s a pretty thick one. No services were scheduled for this time. But sales at Chanel were down by 9000%.

Anna Wintour's Sunglass Evolution from 1989 to 2016

SocietyBryan FlynnComment